


Blue sun

by LeeTheSlytherin



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Can sombody give Tony a hug?, Dreams and Nightmares, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Oblivious Team, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sleep Deprivation, So much angst, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Team Bonding, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-04-13 15:04:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14114943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeeTheSlytherin/pseuds/LeeTheSlytherin
Summary: Tony can see Steve's soulmark under his left collarbone; it's a circle, with lines going out from it, twisting and turning. It looks like a sun with a dark, yet vibrant, blue color. Tony looks over at Bucky, staring briefly at his right upperarm, where he knows the exact same sun will be hiding under the longsleeved shirt he is wearing.Tony takes his coffe and goes to his workshop, saying something about a new device to his helmet to the rest of the team in the room.He ignores the burn right between his shoulderblades, where a blue sun is hiding.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [eagles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8631502) by [spqr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spqr/pseuds/spqr). 



> TRIGGER WARNING: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt (kinda).  
> IMPORTANT: This might be posted on Fanfiction.net. If you see this story there by Lee Glance, that is just me posting it on another website.

Tony stares at Steve and Bucky. They're like a puzzle. They just  _fit_ together. It is almost as if they both are gravity, pulling them towards eachother. They just have this balance around them, shining brightly, practically screaming  _perfect._

A balance that will get broken if Tony says anything.

So he just watches instead. He watches Steve laugh, while Bucky smirks next to him, leaning against the counter. He looks at the faint touch between their shoulder and the two hands that holds them together. Tony can see Steve's soulmark under his left collarbone; it's a circle, with lines going out from it, twisting and turning. It looks like a sun with a dark, yet vibrant, blue color. Tony looks over at Bucky, staring briefly at his right upperarm, where he knows the exact same sun will be hiding under the longsleeved shirt he is wearing. Tony turns his head up to their faces, as Steve rest his head on Bucky's right shoulder, while he whispers something softly to him.

Tony takes his coffe and goes to his workshop, saying something about a new device to his helmet to the rest of the team in the room.

He ignores the burn right between his shoulderblades, where a blue sun is hiding.

(-)

Tony watches Thor boom about Jane to anyone who listens. He beams, saying there is no one else he would want to be with, while also saying great things about Jane. Tony can see Clint rolling his eyes when Thor isn't watching and Natasha hitting him slightly on his head. Tony can see Clint's soulmark on his left wrist, a dark red, twisted line going around the wrist like a bracelet, with pointy thornes coming out from it. Tony knows Natasha has one on her ankle. He also knows Coulson has one around his right wrist.

Thor continues to boom about Jane and their soulmark, an oval, yellow thing, with what looks eerily like lighting coming out from it. Bruce listens next to him, a small smile tugging on his lips. His soulmark is on his chest; it's a straight line, but it is the brightest green Tony has ever seen and from it there is a hurricane of lines, twisting and crossing eachother. Tony knows Betty Ross has one on her palm. He also knows the two of them will meet in the weekend and that Bruce is secretly excited and nervous. Tony can't blame him. He  _did_ abandon her after all for a couple of years. Oh well. Tony can get why he did it.

Tony turns his head towards Steve and Bucky. Steve also listens to Thor's voice, but he foucuses more on the drawing he currently draws in his sketchbook. His head is in Bucky's lap, while Bucky plays with his hair. Tony can't see what Steve draws, but he can see Bucky smiling everytime he looks at it. Steve's eyes are shining and Bucky seems more happy than he has ever been since Tony met him.

Tony walks out of the room without saying anything.

Nobody notices. Either that, or they just doesn't care.

Tony thinks he knows which one of the two alternatives is right.

(-)

Tony builds. He builds until his hands are bloody and aching, until his eyes are blodshot and his legs feels heavy. He builds, he upgrades and invents. He does anything he can thinks of. He ignores Jarvis attempts to talk to him about how long he has been awake without sleep, since he last ate and the last time he left the workshop. He ignores it when Jarvis says Bruce wants to come down to see him and he ignores when Steve also tries.

He ignores them and builds.

(-)

His hands are sore and his arms are tired, but his mind is focused on the devices in his hands.

Tony is fine.

Food and sleep is overrated anyway.

He collapses 8 hours later.

(-)

Yinsen is the only one Tony ever has told about his soulmark.

_You're the man who has everything, yet nothing._

Tony knows Yinsen knew those words were true to the core. Because Tony is an egoistic bastard with dead soulmates and he would be alone even after he escaped that hellhole.

Tony also knows Yinsen believed he could be different, do something good for the world. That he would do something great.

Tony knows one of two statements is right.

He also know one of them is wrong.

(-)

Tony wakes up in his bed. He stares at the ceiling for five minutes, before he sits up. He is still in his clothes he had in the workshop, but his hands are bandaged and aching. He looks away from them. He notices that on the right side of his bed there is a tray with sandwitches and a waterbottle. He can't feel the taste of the food when he is eating. He can't feel the hot water when he showers.

Jarvis says he's been asleep for 9 hours when he asks.

Tony doesn't ask though who brought him up to his room.

(-)

Howard hated Tony the moment he laid his eyes on him. Tony was never good enough; never perfect. While he might be a genius, he wasn't Captain America. It didn't help Howard and Maria Stark wasn't soulmates. It didn't help it was a unhappy marriage and that Tony never was wanted, but was needed to continue the family line. It didn't help Howard thought Tony only was good to lash out his anger at.

The soulmark hurt when he got it, which he thinks is lucky, because otherwise, he wouldn't know it was even there before somebody else saw it. Tony got his soulmark at 15, two years earlier than the average time to get one. He doesn't tell anyone. Tony had been learned by Howard at a young age that he was nothing worth and that the only thing that mattered was his name. He had been learned no one would love him. So how could he ever be good enough for two of the greatest heroes of all time? He only knows it is them because Aunt Peggy showed him a picture of Steve's soulmark one time and said Bucky also had one.

It just didn't add up that Tony would have them as soulmates, no matter how hard he thought about it.

So he shut up about it. After all, they were already dead. It didn't matter.

Sometimes, Tony is sure the universe loves to prove him wrong in the worst possible ways.

(-)

Tony can still feel the water burning in his lungs and voices yelling in his ears in laungages he doesn't understand.

He can still remember the thoughts of hoping  _somebody_ would come and save him.

He can still remember Yinsen calm voice talking to him when he needed distraction from the hell they were in.

He can still remember the rage burning in him when Yinsen died.

He can still feel the burning sensation of warm sand and the sun over him.

Tony can't any longer remember Rhodey coming for him.

(-)

Howard and Maria Stark died two years after he got his soulmark and he can't bring himself to cry.

How can he cry for somebody he knows he will never miss?

(-)

No one talks about the period of time Tony spent in the workshop. The team glances at the bandage around his hand sometimes during the first day, but pretends it isn't there after that.

Tony doesn't say anything about it.

He can feel a bitter taste in from his coffee when Bucky and Steve looks at eachother like there is nothing else in the world.

He ignores it and continues drinking.

That he drinks alchohol afterwards to get the taste from his mouth gone is completley out of the point.

(-)

Tony's dreams are plagued by Howard yelling at him, Bucky and Steve glaring at him and a pain in his soulmark.

He tries to sleep as little as he can.

(-)

One time, Clint asks if it's true Tony doesn't have a soulmark. The rest of the team looks up to stare at him.

Tony just smirks and says that's the big question. To his relief, Clint huffs and says he could just say no if he doesn't have one. It wasn't greatly uncommon to not have one.

His heart still beats twice as fast when he thinks back at the converstation.

(-)

Tony can sometimes see Natasha staring at him.

He won't be surprised if she knows or atlest suspects he has a soulmate. But she doesn't say anything.

He wants to thank her for that.

(-)

He got Bruce his own lab.

Bruce is there a lot. Sometimes Tony joins him.

They don't talk much.

It's nice.

(-)

Tony thinks of Obie when he gets drunk. He thinks of the trust he had for him, the respectfull mask and confidence Obie always had. He thinks of Obie's black soulmark on his neck. He thinks of that one time Obie told him during one of his drunken ramblings that "she wasn't worth it".

Maybe he betrayed her too.

(-)

The team asks sometimes if he wants to be with them on movie night or want to get takeout or just plain out hang out with them.

He says no everytime.

They stop asking.

He ignores the disappointed feeling in his chest.

(-)

Sometime Tony just stops. He stops with whatever he's doing and stares out into the thin air, his mind empty and his eyes unfocused.

It's nice to feel okay for a change.

(-)

Jarvis was the first person Tony trusted.

He still wishes he had told Jarvis about his soulmark before he died.

He thinks he deserved to know.

(-)

Tony can't bring himself to say anything to Pepper and Rhodey, even if he would trust them with anything.

He wants to. He really wants to.

But he doesn't want to bother them. Nobody, except maybe for Natasha and Yinsen, who is dead, even knows he has one soulmate and definitely doesn't know he has two. Why should he say anything, when they doesn't have a clue?

He's handling the situation fine, he thinks for himself

Never has the word "fine" been so bitter on his tongue.

(-)

When Tony and Pepper broke up, Tony didn't know how to react. He knew it had only been temporary; they weren't soulmates and Pepper had a soulmark herself; a red circle, with spikes. It fit her and her temper.

But that didn't mean he wasn't allowed to get hurt. So he got drunk and woke up with a headache. Nothing unusual.

But this time, he woke up alone and cold.

Since then, he's used to feeling cold.

He was already familiar with feeling alone.

(-)

One time, Tony got to see Yinsen's mark.

It was a dark green color, formed as a circle and another circle around it. Yinsen had it on on his right knee.

Tony wishes he could have saved Yinsen and his family.

He wishes Yinsen could have gotten his happy ending.

Tony wishes he had died in that cave.

(-)

Tony's visits to Bruce's lab gradually stops.

Bruce asks why and Tony says he has a lot to do in his own workshop.

Bruce doesn't ask anything more about it.

Tony knows he shouldn't be so disappointed.

(-)

When Tony meets Steve Rogers, he doesn't say anything. He thinks for himself, that when the right time is, he will. But there is never a right time. Because Steve hates him, ranting about Howard and how Tony is not a hero.

Tony doesn't say anything about the mark, but can't help but trace the lines under Steve's collarbone with his eyes. He wants to belong to somebody, but he knows it won't work as long as Steve mourns over Bucky. He wishes there is a way to help Steve with the grief, but he doesn't know how. But he tries. It's small things, like new pencils or small stuff that has once belonged to Peggy or old pictures. Steve seems a little more happier for every week, so Tony thinks it works. The missions goes well enough and the Avengers are succesfull as a team. Steve warms up to him. Tony hasn't said anything about the small stuff he does for Steve, but he thinks Steve knows it is him.

Tony is happy he can atleast do something right for once.

(-)

Tony doesn't know if he should laugh or cry when they discover the Winter Soldier.

He decides to cry when they manages to find Bucky buried within the Winter Soldier.

But he is quiet when Bucky is well enough to move into the tower.

Because Steve and Bucky are together and Tony can see the affection radiating from them.

There's simply no place for Tony.

Never has been and never will be.

Howards was right, Tony thinks when Bucky's been in the tower for some time. Tony can't help but falling for him too, for his dry humour and the rares smiles he can sometimes get.

Tony is alone.

Alone and broken and useless and  _worthless and stupid and foolish and..._

Tony hides in his room.

(-)

His dreams are becoming worse.

They're full by silence now.

Tony never liked silence.

(-)

Tony walks in on Steve and Bucky kissing early in the early morning and stares, before he walks out of the kitchen so they won't notice him.

He tells himself he imagines the tears falling down from his eyes.

(-)

JARVIS tries to help him in his own way. Telling him when he last ate or slept. JARVIS tells him where all the other Avengers are and always sounds so comforting when he speaks to Tony.

Tony can't help but smile when JARVIS talks to him.

It feels nice to have someone caring about him, human or not.

(-)

Yinsen starts coming back to Tony's dreams.

Tony wonders how long he can be awake without going insane.

(-)

It's been five months since Bucky moved into the tower.

Tony has managed to create an arm to him like the one he had before, the only difference being that the new arm is covered by a material so it looks and feels more like skin. Bucky also tells him it feels more real and less like a metal piece stuck to his shoulder.

Bucky and Steve can't stop thanking him for atleast a week.

Tony doesn't know how he will manage to lie about his soulmark for his entire life.

(-)

Natasha stares at him. He stares back. She shakes her head and walks away.

Tony feels empty watching her go.

(-)

Jarvis was the father Tony wished Howard could have been when he was younger.

Tony knows now he doesn't deserve that kind of a father.

(-)

Tony gets drunk one night and sets fire to the workshop.

DUM-E actually uses his fire extinguisher right for once.

Tony wishes the robot hadn't.

(-)

He fought with Rhodey. He can't remember what they fought about, but it ended when Rhodey punched Tony.

Tony can't remember last time he got that drunk after a fight.

(-)

Tony thinks of Steve and Bucky and their stupid, perfect smiles.

He throws his coffee cup across the room. It shatters in thousands of pieces.

Tony tells himself he is okay.

Tony has always been very good at lying.

(-)

Tony doesn't care much about anything anymore.

What's the meaning when nobody really will ever care for him?

(-)

Steve and Bucky laughs together.

Tony hides in his workshop for two days.

No one tries to come down.

(-)

He dreams about broken soulmarks, Yinsen and darkness.

He is always alone in darkness.

(-)

He yells at Pepper on a particulary bad night.

He still haven't said sorry.

(-)

He haven't seen Pepper for some time now.

It's feels easier to get drunk.

(-)

He feels to tired to keep up apperances around Steve and Bucky anymore.

It's easier to just avoid or walk out of the room when they're there.

No one notices.

(-)

Tony walks in when the team has a movie night. There are popcorn, bad movies and laughter. No one bothered to tell Tony.

No one notices he is even there.

No one notices him leave.

(-)

He doesn't care about his soulmark anymore.

He tells himself that.

It hurts much more seeing the team being a team without him.

(-)

Rhodey and Pepper calls sometimes. The calls are short and stiff and Tony still doesn't say sorry.

There's a bitter taste in his mouth after they calls.

Tony's shocked he hasn't died of alcohol posioning yet.

(-)

Thor goes to Asgard.

No one tells Tony.

He finds out by JARVIS.

He tries not to think the fact that Thor left without saying goodbye.

He shouldn't be surprised, after all.

(-)

It's been a long time since Tony talked to Pepper and Rhodey.

Because if he won't answer when they call, surely they would check on him, even though they've fought. Right?

He still haven't seen or heard from them since they last called one month ago.

(-)

It's been a while since Tony talked to the others outside of missions.

He thinks nobody just bother to do so.

After all, he is an arrogant lonewolf.

Right?

Right.

Sometimes he has to remind himself of the obvious things.

(-)

He dreams of laughter and smiles while screaming for help.

No one helps him.

It's getting harder to see the difference between his dreams and his everyday life.

(-)

Another month passes by.

Tony pretends he can't see the new made scars on his arms.

He says to JARVIS not to tell anyone about it.

(-)

It hurt like a bitch when Rhodey took the War Machine suit. Tony knew it was wrong. But he also knew he just couldn't loose Rhodey. So he forgave him. Besides, it's his own fault, just like everything else. It all worked out in the end.

Or, it did. Because Rhodey hasn't contacted Tony in any way for a long time now. Just like Pepper. They're probably busy and can't deal with Tony right now, especially now when he hasn't tried to contact them himself. So why bother if they're busy?

It's Tony's fault anyway.

(-)

JARVIS stops speaking to Tony.

Tony ignores the pain it causes.

He was,  _is_  foolish to think even an AI  _he_ created would stay with him.

He's alone.

Like dear old dad always said he would be.

(-)

Tony decides he likes the color red on his skin a little more than before.

After all, it is his color.

(-)

Tony doesn't talk much at all anymore.

He listens at Cap in missions, but he never answers. He only speaks if he has to.

No one asks why.

(-)

One time, Tony drops one of his pens on the ground. He stares at it for a long time, before he burst out laughing. It's a crazy laugh, burning in him and he sobs too, shifting between laughing and sobbing.

It ends with Tony crying helpless on the ground, hoping  _somebody_ would come.  _Anybody._

No one does of course.

Tony can't help but cry harder.

(-)

Tony starts to send out the suit without him on smaller missions.

No one notices.

Tony, meanwhile, discovers he loves the color red dripping from his arms.

(-)

He dreams of dying, quick and only a little bit hurtful while people smiles to him.

It's one of the nicer dreams he has had in a long time.

(-)

Pepper calls Tony and he actually picks up, only to stop the call one second later, after hearing her voice.

Rhodey calls too. Tony doesn't pick that call up.

They're better without him.

(-)

He dreams of drowning and screaming, pain soaring through his body as he sees the rest of the Avengers staring motionless back at him.

The pain remains when he wakes up.

(-)

...

...

...

(-)

...

...

...

(-)

...

...

...

(-)

Tony gives up.

He orders JARVIS to lock down his room and then he stares at the ceiling.

He tells JARVIS to lie and tell the team he just isn't feeling well, if they might against all odds wonder where he is.

Nobody goes to check on him.

Like always.

...

_Because no one_ _**fucking** _ _cares._

(-)

He thinks a lot during the time in his room.

He hopes once in a while someone will come.

He waits.

...

...

...

Nobody comes.

(-)

Tony knows he will never be outside this room anymore.

He will die in there.

And nobody will know until it's too late.

He isn't sad about the fact. He isn't happy about it either.

He feels numb, but satisfied.

_They will be better off without him anyway._

_(-)_

...

_Weak._

...

_Worthless._

...

_Unnecessary._

...

...

...

_Alone._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a time when Tony thought in happy endings. When he believed that everything would turn out good. When he had hope for a bright future.
> 
> Now he can just hope he can go through the whole day without breaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody  
> Sorry for the wait. I don't have an excuse.  
> This story will apparently be three chapters instead of two. Sorry!  
> I'm also sorry that this chapter isn't that long. SORRY!  
> WARNING: PLEASE READ THE TAGS. THIS DEALS WITH LOT OF MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS.  
> Also, should I change the rating to a higher rating??? I think I should...  
> ALSO THANK YOU FOR 800+ KUDOS AND ALL THE COMMENTS AND BOOKMARKS!!!

(-)

...

_Why does no one come looking for me?_

(-)

From the age of 23, the media thinks Tony is a drunk genius who loves to sleep around.

Tony never has and never will, correct the media.

Why should he?

Because Tony is a genius and this only serves as a way to continue the rumour that he has no soulmark. Because who, in the right mind, would sleep around if they have a soulmate?

Of course, he did sleep with some people to start the whole playboy thing; but the fact that he never takes of his shirt during sex?

Well, people tends to forget details.

Tony can't blame them honestly; he does too sometimes.

Like the fact that it's only supposed to be a rumour about him being a drunk, arrogant, shithead.

Oh well.

Most people believe everything that the media says.

It's about time Tony starts to be more like others.

(-)

...

_Why does no one try to save me?_

(-)

Tony, once, gave Natasha a broken arm and fractured ribs, as well as a concussion.

It was a mistake.

The team reminds him of that.

He didn't know she was right beside the building with the robot in it.

Not until he saw her try to run away as the building collapsed from his repulsors, the robot going down with it. Of course, because the world hated him, the building fell sideways, right where Natasha was.

A mistake.

But even though it was a mistake, it was just another proof that he is, in fact, an idiot who can do _nothing right and god, why can't you be more like Steve? You're useless, boy! Why do you always fuck up?! Why are you so worthless? Stupid, incompetent, child..._

Tony starts to believe Howard was right all along.

(-)

...

_When did they forget about me?_

(-)

Pepper and Rhodey were both lifelines to Tony.

Two completley different persons and yet, they had the same affect on Tony.

While Rhodey was a calm river, Pepper was a raging fire. Both of them had their ways of handling Tony and both of them mostly suceeded.

There were ( _of course_ ) times when they couldn't deal with him and there were ( _of course_ ) times when they fought. But it worked out in the end.

Until he was stupid enough to destory everything ( _like always_ ).

Is it a bad thing he isn't surprised how he can fuck up so badly? ( _Because he really isn't_ ). 

(-)

_I feel so alone._

(-)

Aunt Peggy was a fantastic woman.

Tony doesn't know what he did to deserve her kindness, her care.

He doesn't know why he deserves _anything_ good.

(-)

_I_ _don't_ _want to be alone._

(-)

There was a time when Tony thought in happy endings. When he believed that everything would turn out good. When he had hope for a bright future.

Now he can just hope he can go through the whole day without breaking.

(-)

_When did everyone stop caring?_

(-)

"Jarvis?"

"..."

"Why won't you speak to me?"

"..."

"Please, say something, anything."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Okay. I'll just... I get it."

"..."

"I'm sorry."

"..."

(-)

_When did they give up on me?_

(-)

When Natalie turned out to be Natasha, Tony didn't even get surprised.

That says more about Tony's own experiences with people than Natasha's acting skills.

(-)

_I'm not worth their time._

(-)

Tony wishes he could rip his soulmark out.

Tony wishes he never got one.

Tony wishes soulmarks didn't exist.

...

Tony wishes Bucky and Steve died during the war.

...

Tony wishes he could stop feeling so guilty over his wishes.

(-)

_I know I don't mean anything to them._

(-)

Tony can remember days when he was younger and Obie would give him the pieces he needed for his work, but couldn't ask his dad, because dad... well, anyway. Obie would hand it to him behind his back, or when his dad was in another room, smile and wink at him briefly, before acting like it didn't happen. Always making sure Howard never noticed.

Tony sometimes thinks it's his fault Obie turned out the way he did.

He can still feel his arc reactor, _his heart_ , getting ripped out in some of his dreams.

(-)

_I have no right to want them to be here._

(-)

Tony sometimes feels as if he is suffocating; there's no air and there's a sense of the walls closing in on him and everything just hurts. It hurts and it _hurts and it kills him and is he dying? Because it feels like he is and he can't think or do anything and..._

Then he can breathe, a sharp pain slicing through his body as air fills his lungs and he's disappointed.

Always so disappointed.

(-)

_It's better if they're not here._

(-)

The bots, in all their imperfection, are perfect. Tony have never, and will never, change them in any way that could twist their personality.

They're perfect. They're broken and wrongly coded and they're perfect.

Tony didn't even know that you can be jealous of robots.

(-)

...

_But I don't want to die alone._

(-)

Rhodey doesn't have a soulmark.

Tony can't help but think Rhodey is the lucky one.

(-)

...

_Please._

(-)

Tony's friends didn't remember.

It wasn't their fault.

It was... It was a normal day.

A perfectly normal day.

The sun was out.

The sky was blue.

The team had a nice, relaxing night out.

A perfectly normal day.

And so, Tony ate his cake alone, with the company of his bots, in the workshop.

Like, he did, last year. And the year before that. Because Pepper was either busy or they had broken up. Rhodey didn't have time. Sure, they sent their presents. But they weren't there.

 _But it's fine_ , Tony thought.

After all, it's a perfectly normal day.

Nothing special.

...

_Yeah._

He ate the rest of the cake in silence.

...

The memories of his birthdays the last two years still hurts.

(-)

...

_I don't want this._

(-)

"Tony? Why aren't you answering? I've been trying to contact you for _days_ and..."

Click.

"Tony, this isn't funny. Pepper said she hasn't heard anything from you in _weeks._.."

Click.

"Tony, seriously, what are you doing? I'm gone for two months on a mission and suddenly, you won't speak to me. Is it because the fight before I left? Because I didn't mean to punch you and..."

Click.

"Have you even listened to any of my mes..."

Click.

"Tony, please answer. You're really scaring me..."

Click.

"Peppers and I are getting really worried. Please, just answer..."

Click.

"Tony, are you okay? I..."

CLICK.

...

_Oh Rhodey. If you only knew._

(-)

...

_I don't want this._

(-)

Pepper tries to call him.

He doesn't answer.

Tony ignores the messages she leaves.

...

Tony has never felt this alone before.

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

Tony wonders how Natasha, Clint and Phil makes it works.

He wonders if one of them feels left behind sometimes.

He wonders if it could actually work between him, Steve and Bucky.

...

Sometimes, Tony gets the most ridicoulus ideas.

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

Tony misses his bots. And his workplace. And food. And his friends. 

...

_But were they ever your friends?_

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

He dreams about laughter and smiles, the feeling of belonging and being torn apart while Yinsen watches.

...

He likes this dream.

(-) 

_I don't want this._

(-)

Tony doesn't look at his arms anymore.

He thinks it's a miracle he hasn't died from blood lost yet.

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

He dreams of flying, higher and higher, so high he can almost reach the sun, his wings taking him there.

He dreams of wings getting ripped off and falling, never landing.

He dreams of broken laughters and shouting and darkness and the sense of something closing in on him.

He dreams of pain coursing through his body and wishing to die.

He dreams of screaming and crying and pain.

He dreams of being scared and alone and hopeless and tired and hungry and...

...

Tony doesn't know if he is dreaming anymore.

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

Tony wonders what it's like being dead.

You see, he has always been curious about a lot of things. Death is one of the things he is curious about.

...

Tony doesn't know why he doesn't feel happy, knowing he probably will soon get his answer.

(-)

 _I don't want this_.

(-)

He dreams of his soulmark burning and Steve and Bucky staring at him, accusingly and silently.

There's no sound excpect his own screaming.

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

Tony miss feeling human.

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

Tony miss feeling alive.

(-)

_I don't want this._

(-)

...

(-)

Tony can remember Pepper's smile.

...

Tony can remember laughing with Rhodey.

...

Tony can remember creating U, DUM-E and Butterfinger.

...

Tony can remember JARVIS speaking for the first time.

...

 Tony can remember those few movie night he attented. 

...

... 

... 

Tony can remember being happy.

(-)

... 

... 

... 

... 

... 

_I DON'T WANT THIS_

 ... 

(-) 

...

(-)

Tony breathes in.

He breathes out.

He closes his eyes for a second.

He can remember what Rhodey said in the phone message.

_Pepper and I are getting really worried._

...

He straightens his back. He stares at his phone. He swallows.

... 

_Pepper and I are getting really worried._

...

He presses the button.

 _Ring_.

...

 _Ring_.

...

 _Ri_ -

"Tony?"

Tony swallows.

 _Pepper and I are getting really worried_.

"Rhodey?" Why does his throat feel so dry? He swallows again.

"Tony, are you okay?" Rhodey sounds...scared.

For _him._

_Pepper and I are getting really worried._

"Tony?"

Tony thinks about the scars on his arms. About the soulmark. That he hasn't eaten in god knows how long. That he feels alone. That he is _afraid_.

_Pepper and I are getting really worried._

"No," he says slowly.

_I don't want to be afraid._

"No, I'm not okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I don't know when the third chapter will come; Oh well.  
> Sorry if this chapter feels... Weird, I guess? I'm not quite happy how it ended up.  
> BYE!

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know about this story. I was bored when I wrote this. I don't know when the second part will be done.  
> Oh well.


End file.
